Kitchen Table Scratch
apparently you can use food stamps to buy a monster. deff what i would be buying if i needed to use food stamps.
You can use food stamps to buy snickers bars and chips. And if you make nice with the cashier, for cigarettes as well (yes, there’s a way)
Everything is gone.
Last night I lay down to sleep and in the dark was reminded of my youth. Sleeping alone in the dark, listening for sounds of the dogs that were either snoring or trotting around in the dark, wishing their warmth was with me. My mind would wander and I’d imagine a time when is have so wine laying next to me at night to keep me warm and safe and chase away all the sadness that, at the time seemed unbearable.
And then it dawned on me that I she was there. She was next to me, sleeping soundly and warm. She was keeping me safe and had been my comfort for so long. I smiled, reached out toward her, and held tight as I finally drifted off to sleep.
I do. Always
I use to obsess over your tumblr, and your Facebook. I use to view them multiple times throughout the day. It would make me smile and laugh and it gave me warm feelings because there were post about me or our relationship and how happy it all was. Everything was so fresh and new and fun. I can’t…
I can’t sleep. I can’t really pinpoint exactly why I’m lying here awake.
Tomorrow is my first day back at work since Thanksgiving. While I love my job, I can’t deny that it has come with its unique set of challenges. Disagreements with fellow a employee seems to be the most distressing of them all.
I’m also hot and cold at the same time. Winter and the changing of the seasons sends my regulatory system in to a tail spin. I can’t seem to find an easy resting ground between hot and cold, awake or sluggish, happy or sad, hungry or full. I’m becoming increasingly compulsive with no logical explanation. I had to stop myself from taking three showers today. I settled on one very long one, forcing myself to get out. Even then I abandoned my trip to go meet Mariel as she got off work, the entire reason I took the shower, for the opportunity to fully moisturized myself from head to toe- I moisturized my hair.
Then there’s the knowledge that when I wake up my sinuses and throat will be dry and burning, feeling as if they might bleed. I’ve been suffering over the past week with that unpleasant feeling every morning that I wake up. I haven’t complained, knowing that if I face it, my mental defense against illness will weaken and I’ll get sick. I can’t afford to be sick right now. I can’t afford to be sick ever, really.
There’s the added pressure that Mariel and I still haven’t found a place to live. It’s causing an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame on my part. I feel that I’ve failed her or am holding her back in some way. Perhaps it’s the reason I put so much extra effort in to finding the right Christmas presents for her and hVe been somewhat careless in determining what I can truly afford. I just want her to be happy. To be ok. I want this Christmas to be as bright and cheerful and wonderful as it can possibly be because I know that her giving in and putting up the Christmas decorations in our room is her abandoning hope that we’ll have moved by the 25th.
Also, where the fuck did 2013 go? I swear it was just a few months ago when Mariel wrote the inspirational message on the dry-erase board in her room about being positive and this being the year we were going to move and be in a place of our own so we had to save save save. Then again, I’ve never been a fan of odd numbers, especially not 13. Perhaps January will be more fruitful. But really…..
No, each time I tell myself it’s time for sleep I remind myself of all the more productive things I could and seemingly should be doing. There’s money to be made. There’s apartments to find. There’s books to read and knowledge to gain. There’s cleaning to be done and meals to be prepared so that Mariel won’t have to cook, so that she won’t feel overwhelmed, so that she won’t realize to soon that I am a failure….
And that’s really all it boils down to isn’t it?
I’m ashamed of sleeping. Because while I sleep in until 7, she’s already left for her retail job, that pays more than mine. While I’m out there, touting the benefits of moral riches, she’s paying off her bills and keeping things afloat. And while I’ve just now paid off all my collection debts, she never let things get that far. While in busy trying to fix the mistakes of my past, she’s pushing on with the future- but I hold her back. We can’t get an apartment because of me. I’m too young. I was too stupid, too wreck less, too careless. No one will trust me enough to give us a home. And because of the problems I created for myself years ago, she suffers.
And I’m ashamed…